Saying Goodbye

“Couldn’t we just go home?” the crying little girl asked her mommy, as if that would keep Daddy home.Her plea echoed my own. Everything in me screamed to take my own man in uniform and… just go home. Leave this deployment behind and go on with our lives: together. Set up our own home... watch our baby grow... see our dreams unfold... experience the joys that life brings to most normal newly wed couples...

But no, that wasn’t the answer. Just going home wasn’t the way it worked. I felt so sad as I watched my husband and all the other soldiers there that day finalize their packing and load up all the possessions they would have to their names for the coming twelve months into semi trucks to be delivered to their next destination. Their mood was one of anticipation and excitement, mixed with a hint of apprehension. In just a matter of moments they would be hugging their loved ones goodbye… Some of whom they would most likely not see for an entire year’s wait. Proud and supportive loved ones stood around, yellow ribbons pinned to their jackets. Wives and sweethearts spilled tears on the shoulder of their soldier's uniform. Little children sobbed into the necks of their daddies, trying to understand why they had to leave. Emotions were high, yet a quiet sense of strength and American pride was felt in the crowd gathered that day. For myself, saying goodbye to the man I so deeply love was the hardest thing I've ever had to muster up the courage to do. A year is a very long time to be apart, and this day I had dreaded since we met eleven months before. It was now time to turn over the most amazing part of my life; it was the moment that marked the end of the 5 ½-month blissful dream we had lived. For the last time, he patted my tummy and told me to take good care of his baby. For the last time he wiped away the tears trickling down my cheeks and said that everything would be okay. For the last time, he held me close to his heart and whispered that he loved me. And then he walked away, joining his platoon just before they marched out those doors and through the canopy of flags to the cheers and applause of the locals gathered outside. Just before he disappeared, he turned around and blew a kiss... for the last time.

Even though the miles between us are great and the time between now and his return is too much for me to wrap my mind around, the bond between us has not weakened. That's the amazing thing about love and its strength.It's the prayers and support of our friends and family across the nation that keep us going. I want to say thank you to each of you who remember us in that way.

Announcing...

...a new addition to our little family...
...due October 1st, 2009...

The Bright Side of Separation

I know, I didn't think there was such a thing either. A bright side to loneliness and separation and painfully missing someone? Heh. Yeah. I really did not know I could come to such a conclusion.

But I'm sitting here enjoying the fact that my husband's ringtone beat the alarm clock this morning (after only a couple hours of sleep) and I got to wake up to him telling me how adorable my morning voice is (that is a disputable fact--the adorableness of my morning voice, that is). And that was like THE perfect way for me to start my day. It's been weeks since I have been able to begin a morning with the sound of his voice.

Reveling in the way I got to wake up this morning (after only a couple hours of sleep--did I mention that?) I am realizing that there actually is a bright spot to this painful thing called loneliness.

It's called: You appreciate the smallest things

• Just hearing his voice makes my day
• Just listening to him tell me he loves me makes my heart skip a beat
• A telephone call goes a long way
• The only way to communicate our love is to verbalize it--something that a person doesn't think to do as much when they're together.
• Simply put, I somehow appreciate my man a hundred times more than ever before (and I know... that's hard to imagine!)
  

Now that I'm beyond the point of counting days (it would be 2--in case you're wondering) and have turned to the hours (less than 57) I have this feeling growing in the pit of my stomach. It's that feeling I would get when we were dating and engaged right before we would get to be together. It's that feeling of wonder and anticipation. That "new love" feeling. It's so fresh you have so much yet to explore of it. Only now that we're married the whole ecstasy is increased. The wonder and anticipation of looking forward to where love will take you is heightened. Marriage has no boundaries between us. It's not sparks we get anymore. It's fireworks.

Don't get me wrong, I sure wouldn't mind those fireworks day in and day out without the separation. It's just that with these miserable periods of loneliness you notice them more.

Just think... 57 more hours.... (okay, so maybe that doesn't sound as cool to you as it does to me)

One of Those Incriments... Coming Right Up!

Okay people. I happen to be very happy about a sweet little factor occuring in my life in the near future. Guess what? I am going to be able to look into those smashingly handsome blue eyes (the ones that have totally dissolved my heart) and hear those words (that make my heart completely skip a beat) coming from that voice I love to hear so much--"I love you."

My man is coming home!

The truth of the matter is, I'm not even allowing myself to think that it is but a short visit, but am going to totally live in the moment of his return. Those moments of being together are so numbered now that I can't afford to waste a single one.

So guess what? Five more days! That makes it a total of, let's see here... 120 hours from now. Oh, darnnit! 120 is a huge number.

....oh to be able to control the clock.....

Questioning the Edge of Sanity

Ever since my last post I have had every good intention of being a good blogger and writing something witty or cheerful or interesting or un-Andy-related (impossible) or at least letting you know that I am not all but falling off the edge of sanity.

I bet I could about make you bawl along with me with my heart-wrenching tale about how I had to drive 400 miles in one day and clean out our cozy little home all by my sad and lonely self (and oh! the memories!!!). Trust me, I have these moments of amazing inspiration. These beautiful, eloquent thoughts flit around in my head that I just know would touch your soul and totally impress you. But then I come up with these lame excuses... "They're gonna get sick of all the mush-stuff that I can't help but talk about because I happen to have married the most important Andy ever... Shoot, my camera and all the cool pictures are across the room in my purse... Ugh, I don't feel like going to 'www.blogger.com'..." Lame, I tell you.

What was this post supposed to be about anyway? I don't remember what got me going... You see I have this problem lately... Not only is Andy my home (walking around in uniform), he also took my heart. And as if that weren't enough, any bits and fragments of brain I used to possess somehow got tangled up with him too. So now, not only am I homeless, lonely and heartless... I'm brain dead too.

Seriously. Just to prove it, I'm half tempted to tell you about the time that I put my car in "drive" instead of "park", walked away and returned a while later to realize my mistake. The only reason why I'm fortunate enough to not have the replacement costs of a garage door, speed boat and tool bench to pay is because my car happened to be stuck in a snowbank.

Then there was the time I was shivering in my car the whole way home from having lunch with a friend, wondering why the heater wasn't working when it dawned on me that the heater only works when it is turned on.

My Gram'a (whom I happen to be renting from) woke me up at 4am one morning to tell me the dome light of my car was on.

I couldn't even count all the times I have misplaced my keys and cell phone.

I am a hopelessly displaced individual. Did I say something about not falling off the edge of sanity? Now that I have completed this post-that-I-can't-remember-why-I-started-writing-in-the-first-place, I have convinced myself that perhaps I was mistaken. Maybe that was the whole point of this note. At least I learned something even if you didn't.

My one sole happy thought is that my darling is going to be home for three weeks in eight more days.... So if I survive eight more days without a brain, hopefully the three weeks with him can charge me up for a whole year.

Cold Reality

I don't know why I find it so difficult to put into words the announcement that Andy's orders have begun and he is currently far away. Maybe it's because I like to retain a reputation of some strong insanely spiritual saint that can go through periods of intense loneliness with nothing but the best of attitudes, and it's hard for me to talk about Andy being gone without the obvious not seeping through. I feel as though I have just waken up, wondering if all that beauty I had just so blissfully experienced was just a dream. Reality is as cold as the 30-below windchill outside. It fills me with dread to think Andy and I have but a few short increments of time together before he goes overseas. But how grateful I am for the 4 months we have spent together, loving each other and cherishing each others presence. Now if only something could happen to disintegrate the agonizing times of separation and life really would be good.

2010 Wedding Bells

My brother called me last night to tell me that his girlfriend got engaged. "We're actually both engaged," he informed me. I am ecstatic.

I love helplessly romantic soldier guys and the way they just steal the hearts of the girls they love. I am really thrilled to be getting another sweet sister and am glad we'll have lots of fun and detailed plans to make to occupy our loneliness while our guys are overseas.

Congratulations, Gabe & Anna!!

Time's Cruel Pace

Has it really been over a month since our two month anniversary?

Since that very sweet surprise?

Since I updated last?

Every time I turn around I find that time has simply disappeared. Here we are, married for over three beautiful, blessed months, more in love than ever before. Truly, these have been the most amazing months of my life. But that time has flown much too quickly. It scares me to think that if three months of marital bliss can be over in a wink and a blink, the next five weeks will surely be over in less than a wink. I’m having a strong hate relationship with reality. Because while I sit here reveling in and soaking up the beauty of marriage, reality is that I only have five weeks left with my dear and sweet husband. That war in Iraq that is taking my husband away from me is the deepest and darkest dread of my life. But while I’m going to experience grief and loneliness, you really do have no idea how proud I am of my man and all the other soldiers who put their lives on the line for our protection and freedom. The sacrifices made are indeed very hard… But we’re talking about the stuff that makes America the land of the free and home of the brave. And that, my friends, happens to make me only love and admire my man all the more.

The Best Surprise

It's not very often that people pull surprises off on me. Maybe it's because I'm just not a very "surpriseable" person. Perhaps I read into things too much, or maybe I just know too much, or maybe I'm just not easily surprised, or maybe I'm just not really a fun person to surpise, or maybe it's because few people have really tried. Whatever the case, I can count on one hand--maybe one finger--how many times I've been completely shocked by someone's careful planning.

It was our 2 month anniversary and I had spent the day thinking constantly of Andy and missing him so bad. I desperately wished we could celebrate this special little milestone together; but he would be home the next day, and I comforted myself with that happy little fact.

I was in the kitchen helping my mother in-law make dinner when my cell phone started ringing my favorite ring tone. Andy was calling. (I happen to really like it when he calls, for your information.) He asked me to do him a favor... He needed a certain document that was left on the desk in the bedroom. I was to run down and get it and call him right back.

So, I run down the steps, turn on the light and hear a sharp rap on the door leading to the garage. I don't know who would dare to interrupt me from running my little errand for Andy, but I was kind enough to answer since nobody else was around. I assumed it was somebody for my father in-law.

I open the door. I see flowers. I see soldier. I see twinkling blue eyes. I see my man. ANDY! Next thing I know I'm wrapped in his arms. "Happy Anniversary," he whispered.

I have never before in all my life been so surprised. It was totally the sweetest thing ever and I couldn't get over the shocking thrill all evening! Those flowers.... that sweet card.... and best of all: my romantic soldier sweetheart was home!

Did you know my husband is wonderful???

Two Months Ago Today...

I married my best friend and only sweetheart. Matter of fact, it was this very minute that the special ceremony began to commence our union. Oh bliss. If only Andy and I could celebrate together right now. He will be home tomorrow though!!

How to Ascertain the Will of God

by George Müller

I seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of its own in regard to a given matter. Nine-tenths of the trouble with people generally is just here. Nine-tenths of the difficulties are over come when our hearts are ready to do the Lord's will, whatever it may be. When one is truly in this state, it is usually but a little way to the knowledge of what His will is.

Having done this, I do not leave the result to feeling or simple impression. If so, I make myself liable to great delusions.

I seek the Will of the Spirit of God through, or in connection with, the Word of God. The Spirit and the Word must be combined. If I look to the Spirit alone without the Word, I lay myself open to great delusions also. If the Holy Ghost guides us at all, He will do it according to the Scriptures and never contrary to them.

Next I take into account providential circumstances. These often plainly indicate God's Will in connection with His Word and Spirit.

I ask God in prayer to reveal His Will to me aright.

Thus, through prayer to God, the study of the Word, and reflection, I come to a deliberate judgment according to the best of my ability and knowledge, and if my mind is thus at peace, and continues so after two or three more petitions, I proceed accordingly. In trivial matters, and in transactions involving most important issues, I have found this method always effective.

So I Realize I'm Random

As I was going about my day on facebook (well, part of my day. Generally speaking I do have a life outside of facebook. I think.) I happened to notice once again in my information (just below that adorable picture of a totally handsome hunk kissing me) the relationship status (realize of course, that I was already aware of it, I just had to take a moment to notice it again).

"Married to Andrew J"

And it made my day.

I realize I'm lucky.