Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Bright Side of Separation

I know, I didn't think there was such a thing either. A bright side to loneliness and separation and painfully missing someone? Heh. Yeah. I really did not know I could come to such a conclusion.

But I'm sitting here enjoying the fact that my husband's ringtone beat the alarm clock this morning (after only a couple hours of sleep) and I got to wake up to him telling me how adorable my morning voice is (that is a disputable fact--the adorableness of my morning voice, that is). And that was like THE perfect way for me to start my day. It's been weeks since I have been able to begin a morning with the sound of his voice.

Reveling in the way I got to wake up this morning (after only a couple hours of sleep--did I mention that?) I am realizing that there actually is a bright spot to this painful thing called loneliness.

It's called: You appreciate the smallest things
  • Just hearing his voice makes my day
  • Just listening to him tell me he loves me makes my heart skip a beat
  • A telephone call goes a long way
  • The only way to communicate our love is to verbalize it--something that a person doesn't think to do as much when they're together.
  • Simply put, I somehow appreciate my man a hundred times more than ever before (and I know... that's hard to imagine!)
Now that I'm beyond the point of counting days (it would be 2--in case you're wondering) and have turned to the hours (less than 57) I have this feeling growing in the pit of my stomach. It's that feeling I would get when we were dating and engaged right before we would get to be together. It's that feeling of wonder and anticipation. That "new love" feeling. It's so fresh you have so much yet to explore of it. Only now that we're married the whole ecstasy is increased. The wonder and anticipation of looking forward to where love will take you is heightened. Marriage has no boundaries between us. It's not sparks we get anymore. It's fireworks.

Don't get me wrong, I sure wouldn't mind those fireworks day in and day out without the separation. It's just that with these miserable periods of loneliness you notice them more.

Just think... 57 more hours.... (okay, so maybe that doesn't sound as cool to you as it does to me)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

One of Those Incriments... Coming Right Up!

Okay people. I happen to be very happy about a sweet little factor occuring in my life in the near future. Guess what? I am going to be able to look into those smashingly handsome blue eyes (the ones that have totally dissolved my heart) and hear those words (that make my heart completely skip a beat) coming from that voice I love to hear so much--"I love you."

My man is coming home!

The truth of the matter is, I'm not even allowing myself to think that it is but a short visit, but am going to totally live in the moment of his return. Those moments of being together are so numbered now that I can't afford to waste a single one.

So guess what? Five more days! That makes it a total of, let's see here... 120 hours from now. Oh, darnnit! 120 is a huge number.

....oh to be able to control the clock.....

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Questioning the Edge of Sanity

Ever since my last post I have had every good intention of being a good blogger and writing something witty or cheerful or interesting or un-Andy-related (impossible) or at least letting you know that I am not all but falling off the edge of sanity.

I bet I could about make you bawl along with me with my heart-wrenching tale about how I had to drive 400 miles in one day and clean out our cozy little home all by my sad and lonely self (and oh! the memories!!!). Trust me, I have these moments of amazing inspiration. These beautiful, eloquent thoughts flit around in my head that I just know would touch your soul and totally impress you. But then I come up with these lame excuses... "They're gonna get sick of all the mush-stuff that I can't help but talk about because I happen to have married the most important Andy ever... Shoot, my camera and all the cool pictures are across the room in my purse... Ugh, I don't feel like going to ''..." Lame, I tell you.

What was this post supposed to be about anyway? I don't remember what got me going... You see I have this problem lately... Not only is Andy my home (walking around in uniform), he also took my heart. And as if that weren't enough, any bits and fragments of brain I used to possess somehow got tangled up with him too. So now, not only am I homeless, lonely and heartless... I'm brain dead too.

Seriously. Just to prove it, I'm half tempted to tell you about the time that I put my car in "drive" instead of "park", walked away and returned a while later to realize my mistake. The only reason why I'm fortunate enough to not have the replacement costs of a garage door, speed boat and tool bench to pay is because my car happened to be stuck in a snowbank.

Then there was the time I was shivering in my car the whole way home from having lunch with a friend, wondering why the heater wasn't working when it dawned on me that the heater only works when it is turned on.

My Gram'a (whom I happen to be renting from) woke me up at 4am one morning to tell me the dome light of my car was on.

I couldn't even count all the times I have misplaced my keys and cell phone.

I am a hopelessly displaced individual. Did I say something about not falling off the edge of sanity? Now that I have completed this post-that-I-can't-remember-why-I-started-writing-in-the-first-place, I have convinced myself that perhaps I was mistaken. Maybe that was the whole point of this note. At least I learned something even if you didn't.

My one sole happy thought is that my darling is going to be home for three weeks in eight more days.... So if I survive eight more days without a brain, hopefully the three weeks with him can charge me up for a whole year.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Cold Reality

I don't know why I find it so difficult to put into words the announcement that Andy's orders have begun and he is currently far away. Maybe it's because I like to retain a reputation of some strong insanely spiritual saint that can go through periods of intense loneliness with nothing but the best of attitudes, and it's hard for me to talk about Andy being gone without the obvious not seeping through. I feel as though I have just waken up, wondering if all that beauty I had just so blissfully experienced was just a dream. Reality is as cold as the 30-below windchill outside. It fills me with dread to think Andy and I have but a few short increments of time together before he goes overseas. But how grateful I am for the 4 months we have spent together, loving each other and cherishing each others presence. Now if only something could happen to disintegrate the agonizing times of separation and life really would be good.