"Oh! Girls..." I sighed, in all my randomness, dramatically clutching my heart in the middle of a conversation-over-coffee in my sister's living room with girlfriends; "I so wish I was feeling morning sickness right now!" Raising their eyebrows at this sudden change of subject and a look of slight concern for the deranged woman in their midst, they all began to declare with pensive sarcasm how they wished they were having bladder infections, and how a really good back ache would so hit the spot, and that transition right now would feel awesome.
I admit. That sounded a little weird. Especially for someone like me to say that. I'm the one who, all my life, would have chosen any ailment of any sort for any length of time over nausea if she could. Vomiting was the ultimate form of misery and torture that one's body could be afflicted with as far as I was concerned. In fact, I still am thusly concerned, come to think of it.
Yet now here I am keenly feeling an exception to the rule. How can I put it? There's a certain nausea that... Well. Don't laugh at me... But I honest-to-goodness miss it.
Pregnancy has its stages. The positive pregnancy test which leads to the wonderful morning sickness which leads to the porcelain bowl in the bathroom that has that nifty little lever which comes in very handy for removing certain contents which we will not speak of. And then come all the fun things like hearing the heartbeat, and getting a cute little tummy, and feeling the baby move, and getting backaches, and new bras, and let us not forget to mention the pregnant and hormonal card you get to pull....
You count the weeks...
You think of names...
You have a baby.
All in the course of forty weeks, give or take.
The allotted nine months since our baby was conceived have now come and gone. I didn't get to go through all the stages like I was so eager to. I never got to hear our baby's heartbeat, or feel our baby move. I never got to wear the maternity clothes I bought, which also means I don't even have a stretch mark to show for it.... no backache, no braxton hicks, no transition... No baby.
All I got to have was that incredible love I felt from the moment that second line appeared on the test.
And morning sickness.
I miss it. I honestly miss morning sickness. I miss feeling the presence of my baby, even if it had to be by waves of nausea. I miss knowing his little heart was beating under mine even while I was groping for the package of saltines before I dared to open my eyes up in the morning. I miss the sacrifices I got to make to be his mommy.
I so wish I was feeling that morning sickness, because I really, really miss my little baby.
**Photo taken at 12 weeks,
and a few hours before I found out that our little baby was with Jesus.
and a few hours before I found out that our little baby was with Jesus.
13 comments:
((HUGS))
*HUG* I don't know what to say...but that I pray that you will be blessed not only with Morning Sickness...but a beautiful, perfect little one to love AND to hold and watch it grow.
Hi Britt,
Thinking of you.. this post touched my heart... i only have 20 days to go now, so you are on my mind. I am praying for you. I pray the Lord blesses you again some day soon with a little one to hold in your arms. You will make a great mom.
xoxo Much love to you.
Melissa
Love ya Britt! <3
Oh Britt! I continue to pray for you, and think of you often! May the Lord surround you with His presence, and bless your womb someday again with a precious little one from Him! Love and hugs!!!
PS--I'm still trying to enjoy everything 'double'! ;)
Just a random question... do you know whether you and Andy have compatible blood types? This is something I have to be careful of because I have a rare blood type. My body can easily reject babies. Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem. Just wondering if you've looked into this or know anything about it (if applicable)?
Hey Jenna--I am Rh negative, so have to have the Rhogam shot. It seems likely that the cause of our baby's death was from when I caught a flu bug and was running a fever. According to the ultra sound, that was when our baby died. :(
I remember that talk, and as silly as it was, it did hold a lot of deep meaning. Praying for you and trusting God to reward your waiting, empty arms with a precious gift. Love you!
*hugs*
Oh, so you do know about the Rhogam shot. That's good. I was surprised to learn that you have negative blood, too.
I haven't had to have the shot, yet, but I'm so glad it's available. I used to worry about this when I found out about the whole incompatibility thing, how my grandmother had the same problem & that's why she only had two children. Of course, now that I'm just newly married but 29 years old, "only two" is a whole lot more than none. You're feeling the same way, I'm sure. :]
Sorry to hear about the flu bug and fever that caused the baby to die. Stay away from those germs! I'll look forward to checking back once in awhile to see when your morning sickness returns. ;)
May God bless you & allow you to "be fruitful and multiply"! :)
I know exactly what you mean! I got pregnant in the very beginning of my Honeymoon in June. I was just hitting serious morning sickness (which as difficult as it was dealing with being tired and feeling naseau all the time while still getting used to being married, I still miss those feelings), when I miscarried at just over 8 weeks. I pray that God will bless you with the morning sickness and a precious little one to love and hold in the near future. And I know God works all things for His good. :)
Blessins!
Kelley
This really touched me, because I've been there. Not exactly, but a loss in no respecter of exacts.
I'd be lying if I denied that I thought about what would have been when my original due date came around. I was pregnant 4 months after the miscarriage, and have a sweet little 9 month old now. It'll happen, and when it does you'll never be the same. In a totally and completely wondrous way. :) You'll never forget what was lost, but you'll hold on so much tighter to that babe when it's in your arms. And like so many women, you'll have a testimony of God's faithfulness that can minister to the most wounded of hearts.
::Hug::
Morgan
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