Sunday, April 26, 2009


After the long, quiet ultra sound was over, the CNM came into the room and confirmed my worst fears. My baby was dead. She said I could go home and wait it out, but if the baby did not come on its own, they would have to do a D&C. My life was crumbling around me, and I was afraid to even dare to hope for anything. All I wanted or needed was Andy... But it looked like I would have to go through this valley without him.

It was then that I got to see miracles unfold in ways I never could have imagined.

The thing I was most afraid of was having to have a D&C. I know plenty of women have had that surgery, but for some reason I was terrified of it. Especially if I would have to experience it while Andy was so far away. I had heard too many horror stories. And things were not progressing on their own.

I chose to put my fears aside when God intervened and allowed my husband to come home. I would cherish his presence and wait and see what would happen. The day after he arrived the baby came. Only God could have planned it that way.

That was a month ago today.

I will never forget feeling shaky from exhaustion and choked with emotion as I held our very tiny little baby in my hand while Andy wrapped his arms around me. Sweet little eyes, tiny arms, tiny legs, even tiny little fingers. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that not only would I not need surgery, but I actually got to see and hold my darling and very tiny baby with my husband's strong arms around me. I realized in that moment what a tremendous gift this precious life was to us, and I am forever grateful that God gave us this baby. Though sad, it was a beautiful moment.

Even though our grief was great and the tears still come, we are so grateful for the privilege of calling that precious little cherub baby ours, for being able to love and cherish him so much, and can't wait to see him again. I will always miss this child that God gave us.


Shannon said...

They say that holding your child makes the grieving process easier. It's good that you held your child, no matter how tiny. I regret that I didn't with my miscarriage in 2007, and the one before that in 2005. Which is why I held Chaya. It somehow does ease the pain, even if ever so slightly.


Holly said...

I was 17 weeks when we lost our third and I would have loved to have had the chance to see our sweet angel. I am still praying for you!

Sydney said...

I did that with my mom's baby too. It was a very emotional moment...I can't imagine how much so for you personally! It was likewise good for all of us to be able to hold little Asher in our hands before we said goodbye. May you be a Godly example to others by the way you and Andy are handling this tragic situation. Vaya con Dios!


Courtney, Jer.33:3 said...

I don't know if you know me or not, but I wanted to let you know that I know somewhat of what you're going through. We lost our first baby the week of Christmas and although I was only about 6 weeks along, it still devestated me.
Since then, we've been trying, but God hasn't seen fit to send us another one yet. It can be so hard at times, but I need to remember to trust God no matter what. He knows what is best and He can see the WHOLE picture of my life.
I don't know if someone else will think of it, but I want to wish you a blessed Mother's Day. No one else may think of us and others like us on that particular day, but deep down inside there'll be a yearning to say, "Hey, I'm a mother too!"